btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
