Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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