i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
