Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
