She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We left an ass print on the piano.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
