Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
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