You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You need Xanax blowdarts
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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