I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
ugly people sure do ruin things
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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