Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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