dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
