There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Boobs speak an international language.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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