I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
