There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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