I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
