i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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