Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
