I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
