and next time when you feel me up, do it right
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I have feelings that need drinking.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
