i wish my penis had a tongue
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
you never un-have a 4some
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
