and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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