halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
