I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
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