Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
