I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize