FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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