i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
