can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
