I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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