Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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