oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
