I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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