i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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