There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize