So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
