I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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