you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
