I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
