I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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