she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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