I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
