No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
