Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I understand Curling. That high.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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