i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
