I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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