god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Randomize
