Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize