i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize