I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
