I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
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