Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
