I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
