Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
