P.S. I can't hear my feet
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
