They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Sorry about my life...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
