walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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