1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
