Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize