I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
