I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize