Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
