I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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