i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Farmville is her only friend.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
