I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
