I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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