come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
