Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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