Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
if only i could text you this smell
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
