Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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