Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
